My answer: Not really.
As the reality of embarking on the college journey draws nearer, I worry greatly about who I am and who I'll become. If you know me, you are well aware that I am a compulsive worrier, jumping to blame myself for mishaps and the first person to be in a tizzy about little things. If you don't know me, well, there you go-- I am horrible about beating myself up and worrying myself sick. And I mean that almost literally. Almost.
Just this week, some serious life-related issues came up: what am I actually good at? Am I actually capable of spending my life doing what I love to do? What do I believe in?
What am I actually good at? This question has popped up many times throughout the years, namely because I view myself as a very well-rounded person. I do not excel at any one school subject more so than the others. I am not an adolescent guru in any area. I do not have abnormally commendable talents.
I am a dabbler. My talents dabble all over the place. If I had to pin myself to being good at something, I would say that my talent lies mostly in the arts, predominantly theatre; however, is it fair to say that? I am not exceptionally talented, just averagely so. Sure, I love it and I really only feel at home when I'm around theatre people, but loving something does not equate to being successfully good at something. Which leads quite beautifully into my next point...
Am I actually capable of spending my life doing what I love to do? I have had an increasing number of break downs during shows over the past two years. Last year, I mostly felt just stressed about balancing school and plays. This year, in the fall, the non-theatre stuff in my life brought me to tears twice during school. Just this past week, I had two or three moments where I cracked-- I felt incapable of adequately executing my job on deck crew and had to pull over to the side of the road one night driving home because I was crying too hard. I wanted to someone to hold me and actually understand me, not just say "Aww, I'm sorry! Don't worry, you'll be fine!" I wanted my body to just crack open so that all the pressure and confusion and frustration inside of me could explode everywhere and leave me alone. I wanted to quit.
But I didn't have anyone like that to run to. I didn't have the ability or will to physically release the intense emotion (beyond sobbing my eyes out, then hiding my blotched face from my parents' eyes). I couldn't quit.
So I am faced with a complicated conundrum: What do I do when the only thing which provides me with a sense of love and acceptance also provides me with a slowly increasing level of frustration? How do I reconcile this conflict? And, more importantly... is it me, my mind, who is the source of the problem?
So... What do I believe in? I believe that friendships can be fleeting, but that the few true ones are invaluable. I believe that I would be content with living in a small apartment for a chunk of my life if that's what ends up happening. I believe that the most valuable things in life are intangible. And, although I don't know exactly what I religiously believe, I do believe in the power of prayer. Beyond that, I'm not sure what much else I believe in.
People tell me not to worry. People tell me that I'm too hard on myself. But the thing is, I don't know how to control the way my mind works. I don't know if I'll ever learn how to. For all the rockiness already in my relationships, it will become even less stable in a few months-- and that, above all else, scares me terribly. I included in a letter to my friends the other day to "Learn to love YOU, because YOU are the only thing you know for sure will be with you when you go off to college." I wrote that half as advice to him... and half as advice to myself. I need to figure out who I am so that I don't drown in everything which will soon flood around me. If only I knew how to do so.
peace,
-eleanor
1 - You're not supposed to know who you are yet, thats why we live for so long
ReplyDelete2 - if you love something, you can make a career out of it. Look at how many people have jobs they HATE. If you love something, you can do it
3 - If you had someone to hold you now, it would mean less when you find the one who is supposed to hold you forever. Take a little bit of heart knowing it will mean that much more when you find that person (friend or otherwise)
4 - Break downs are SO HEALTHY. I swear, nothing feels better than feeling horrible and coming back from it. You can rely on people when you need to. They're there for ya. (their. i had to get all three of them in there. heehee)
5 - YOU'RE BACK YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
if you can't tell who this is you have NOT been paying attention young lady