Dear Whoever You May Be

Dear Whoever You May Be,

My supply of words has been exhausted for quite some time, and my body now feels the wear and tear of it all. It's not a foreign sensation, no,  not at all. I've lived it more times than I care to keep tally of.
The beating of my heart turned to a heavy throbbing against my frail rib cage. The flowing of my blood turned to a coursing river of monsters clawing at my veins in a desperate attempt to escape, but to no avail.
Sometimes my hands quiver. Sometimes my limbs feel frail and unsteady.
Mostly, though, it's the inexplicable feeling of being trapped in my own body.

Dear Whoever You May Be,

I wasn't crying for myself last night. I was crying for you. I was crying out for you.
I cried a tear for needing your way of knowing exactly how I'm feeling. I cried a tear for needing your way of looking at me that says, "Things are rough, but you'll get through it. It will get better"; for needing you to hold me even when I fight it; for needing that pacifying connection we have when we're together.
I cried because I need you.
I cried because I don't know your name.
I cried because we haven't found each other yet.


Dear Whoever You May Be,

You are somewhere in the world, aren't you? I need you too much for you not to exist.
I'm sure you need me as much as I need you.

Dear Whoever You May Be,

I'll keep fighting through life till we find each other.

I promise.

Dear Whoever You May Be,

I found a song I need to share with you. Listen to it. You'll hear what my heart has been trying to articulate.

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you are to be.

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take.

I missed you but I haven't met you,

Oh but I want to.

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name,

The way your hand feels round my waist,

The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste.

I missed you but I haven't met you.

Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you,

Oh but I want to,

Oh how I want to.

Dear whoever you might be,

I'm still waiting patiently.

-"To Whom It May Concern" by The Civil Wars

Dear Whoever You May Be,

I love you.

I miss you.

Come find me, please.

Speak.

I.

I want to write,

but can't.

I want to write,

but can't find the words.

I want to write,

but can't find the words nor the push to make those words spew out of me, fall out of me, rush out of me, even though I need the right words to empty out onto a clean page so, so badly.

I need to write.

I need to write.

II.

I want to speak,

but can't.

I want to speak,

but can't make a sound.

I want to speak,

but can't make a sound that resembles a word even close to what I need to express what I'm feeling inside, expanding, heaving, building up pressure within me till I feel like I'll...

pop.

I need to speak.

I.

Need.

Speak.

III.

I want to write and speak,

but can't.

I want to write and speak,

but can't find the trust.

I want to write and speak,

but can't find the trust within myself to trust another whose reaction could so easily be not what I think I need, or could so easily make me second-guess myself.

I already second-guess myself

without ever talking to another

person.

I need to write and speak.

-eleanor.

List of Whatnot and Whatever 3

It has been almost a month since my last post. Here's a BlogList to get things rolling again.

1. Hail to Pitt!

2. Warming up an audience with an absurdist comedy is difficult.

3. You don't have to be a 5 year old boy to think that large bruises on one's leg look really cool.

4. Today's newspaper article by my favorite columnist. Click here to read!

5. Weddings are exciting!*

6. To know that your friend is competing in a national Shakespeare competition and to be completely ecstatic for him without the slightest twinge of jealous resentment is a really good sign of a healthy friendship.

7. SEVENTY-THREE DAYS TILL HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PART 2 COMES OUT!!! (Oh, and high school graduation is riiiight around the corner!)

*...for the people immediately involved in the lives of the spouses and their families. They shouldn't cause extreme, eye-boggling, drool-inducing, gossip-spurring, fashion-obsessing, across-the-ocean pandemonium involving celebrity status and alarms being set for 3:00 in the morning.

Peace,

eleanor

"I want to feel a bomb drop, the earth stop till I'm satisfied."

This weekend, I found myself slipping into contemplation of my friendships. Well, it was actually more of a small-scale condemnation pow-wow. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anything bad about the people I generally have referred to as my friends. But there is definitely something wrong with all of the relationships in my life-- and I think it's me.

For starters, I am currently irritated at every other person I see. Sometimes every 2/3s of a person I see. Sorry if you happen to be that other person or 2/3rds of a person in my Line of Vision. Sucks to be you. Not really. Wow that was harsh.

Which brings me to my second point. I'm not a nice person. I lack grace and sensitivity in my speech. I say things, then regret them. I dwell on conversations for weeks and weeks afterwards, sometimes losing sleep over things that didn't "play out quite right." Because I just know that I screwed something up... sounded stupid... offended someone.

And I'm sorry about that. I would never hurt anyone if I wasn't so fucking clingy. Sorry for the language. It just hit me how much of an aggravating person I am. I'm never close friends with anyone for an extended period of time. I latch on to a person and talk solely to him or her (although it's usually a guy... I think I have a complex... great...), then I realize how stupid I must sound, how irritating I must be, and I shut myself off from them. I beat myself up inside my head for being such an idiot.
But then I realize I have no one else to talk to, so I feel I need to just go on and on to the poor victim of my blabbering. Yet I think of myself as a burden, so I type long text messages then delete them. I talk to an imaginary figure of them in my head to avoid imposing my presence in their life. And I successfully accomplish never actually talking to people to the depth in which my heart of hearts would like.

So as I walk the halls of school I feel awkward and semi-lonely. Even though I have friends?
I contact someone not at my school and I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Even if that's a figment of my imagination?

I just wish someone would be honest with me for once and say YES YOU ARE ANNOYING. GO AWAY. STOP TALKING. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BOTHER. GEEEZ.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for being such a crap friend. The only way to change that is for me to put all my friendships on hiatus. ...like they're not already. Psh.

Do not even think about posting some globbledeeshnuff comment about how "awww no youre wonderfulllll!! bestfriendddd i love u!!"
Because that is I exactly the opposite of what I want to hear.

Either don't comment, or agree with me.

peace,
-eleanor

Sing Sing Sing

How to spend the last Saturday night of Spring Break:


Put on a flowy black dress and a baggy 80s-esque Mickey Mouse sweatshirt.
Adorn your loose pigtail braids with a black and white polka-dot headband.
Lace up your wingtip shoes as you exit your house.


Arrive at the swing dance at 8:15pm.


Meet up with your friend.
Discover that he got a pair of wingtip dance shoes for himself.
Have a brief "We're twinsies!" moment.


Dance.


Have a guy a year older than you come up to you and say, "I have a cunning plan."
Reply, "Okay. What is it?"
Receive the reply, "I don't remember. Want to dance?"
Continue to dance two consecutive dances with him because your conversation was not finished during the first dance.


Dance.


Dance.


Play with your friend's Fedora while he's not near you.
Get complimented on your hat by a stranger.
Tell stranger it's your friend's hat.
Have stranger say that it probably looks better on you than on him.
(Win.)


Dance.


Rest.


Dance.


Dance five songs in a row. Even though you're out of breath and your feet hurt.
Be asked by a random dance partner if you take ballet because "You're so graceful. You look like you're flying."


Rest.


Dance.


Meet your friend's friends. 
Have conversations with them.


Dance.


Pull chairs together in a circle.
Talk about random things... including the decline of the music industry.


Dance.


Dance.


11:59-- Last dance of the night!
Start to mess up simple dance steps.
Come to the conclusion with your friend that exhaustion is the cause of your skill-lowering.
Laugh half the time you dance.


Leave the dance with your friend and his friends, feet aching but not ready to head home.


Arrive at Denny's.
"I'll have a strawberry milkshake. Could I have it in a to-go cup, please?"
"I'll also have what she's having, in a to-go cup."
"I'll have orange juice in a to-go cup."
"I'll have a vanilla milkshake in a to-go cup."
waitress: "So... what do you want in a to-go cup?"
"I'll have a chocolate milkshake, NOT in a to-go cup."
Reprimand (in good spirits, of course) your friend for being a nonconformist and for not following the trend you started.


Head home at a quarter to 1.


Kind of get lost...
...but then call your friend and figure out where you are.
Thank him for saving you from ending up at the wrong part of Harry Hines in the wee hours of the night/morning.


Wake up Sunday morning to sore feet and sore calves.
Feel absolutely thrilled that you're in a bit of pain because
Nothing is better than dancing the night away!


peace,
-eleanor


P.S. The title of this post came from this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2S1I_ien6A

Texas, My (gun-slinging, weapon-concealing) Texas

Dear Governor and Congress,

Thank you so much for helping me with my college decision. I read in the news that the bill to allow concealed weapons on college campuses passed favorably onto the House floor. If the bill does eventually become law, I will more than likely not be attending a university in this gigantic, oddly-shaped state.

Why do we need a law to allow concealed weapons on a college campus? Do we not already have enough problems? Quite frankly, the thought of hidden weapons in who-knows-whose pocket or pant leg or shirt sleeve frightens me. It only takes one argument taking place at the wrong time to result in foolish (and fatal) gun fire. And what if there is a glitch and the gun goes off by itself?

I'm also puzzled as to why you are legalizing the concealment of the weapon. Would it not be more effective to legalize the weapon in plain view? If I were wanting to pick a fight, I would be much less likely to do so if I saw that a person was toting a pistol on their belt. It's more intimidating that way. Not to mention easier access. If someone were to cause a dangerous situation in which one who supports this bill would say is a prime example of needing a gun, it would probably take too long for a) the reaction time to kick in, b) the weapon to be un-concealed, and c) the defender to use said weapon.

Basically, there are more cons to this bill than pros.

Typical.

But it's Texas! And we're better than everyone! And we were once a country which makes us, like, tooootally awesome! Right? Yeeeuhhh.

(gag)

Again-- thank you, Governor and Congress, for helping me narrow down my college list.

Most sincerely,
eleanor

"sometimes i just need to escape"

It has been brought to my attention that a blogging hiatus is not in my best interest. So, "Hi!" I'm back.

Over the past week, a familiar question once again rose to the forefront of my mind: Do I really know myself?
My answer: Not really.

As the reality of embarking on the college journey draws nearer, I worry greatly about who I am and who I'll become. If you know me, you are well aware that I am a compulsive worrier, jumping to blame myself for mishaps and the first person to be in a tizzy about little things. If you don't know me, well, there you go-- I am horrible about beating myself up and worrying myself sick. And I mean that almost literally. Almost.

Just this week, some serious life-related issues came up: what am I actually good at? Am I actually capable of spending my life doing what I love to do? What do I believe in?

What am I actually good at? This question has popped up many times throughout the years, namely because I view myself as a very well-rounded person. I do not excel at any one school subject more so than the others. I am not an adolescent guru in any area. I do not have abnormally commendable talents.
I am a dabbler. My talents dabble all over the place. If I had to pin myself to being good at something, I would say that my talent lies mostly in the arts, predominantly theatre; however, is it fair to say that? I am not exceptionally talented, just averagely so. Sure, I love it and I really only feel at home when I'm around theatre people, but loving something does not equate to being successfully good at something. Which leads quite beautifully into my next point...

Am I actually capable of spending my life doing what I love to do? I have had an increasing number of break downs during shows over the past two years. Last year, I mostly felt just stressed about balancing school and plays. This year, in the fall, the non-theatre stuff in my life brought me to tears twice during school. Just this past week, I had two or three moments where I cracked-- I felt incapable of adequately executing my job on deck crew and had to pull over to the side of the road one night driving home because I was crying too hard. I wanted to someone to hold me and actually understand me, not just say "Aww, I'm sorry! Don't worry, you'll be fine!" I wanted my body to just crack open so that all the pressure and confusion and frustration inside of me could explode everywhere and leave me alone. I wanted to quit.
But I didn't have anyone like that to run to. I didn't have the ability or will to physically release the intense emotion (beyond sobbing my eyes out, then hiding my blotched face from my parents' eyes). I couldn't quit.
So I am faced with a complicated conundrum: What do I do when the only thing which provides me with a sense of love and acceptance also provides me with a slowly increasing level of frustration? How do I reconcile this conflict? And, more importantly... is it me, my mind, who is the source of the problem?

So... What do I believe in? I believe that friendships can be fleeting, but that the few true ones are invaluable. I believe that I would be content with living in a small apartment for a chunk of my life if that's what ends up happening. I believe that the most valuable things in life are intangible. And, although I don't know exactly what I religiously believe, I do believe in the power of prayer. Beyond that, I'm not sure what much else I believe in.

People tell me not to worry. People tell me that I'm too hard on myself. But the thing is, I don't know how to control the way my mind works. I don't know if I'll ever learn how to. For all the rockiness already in my relationships, it will become even less stable in a few months-- and that, above all else, scares me terribly. I included in a letter to my friends the other day to "Learn to love YOU, because YOU are the only thing you know for sure will be with you when you go off to college." I wrote that half as advice to him... and half as advice to myself. I need to figure out who I am so that I don't drown in everything which will soon flood around me. If only I knew how to do so.

peace,
-eleanor