Dear ____, Please ____

Dear French Teacher,
Please do not tell me that it is "sickening" that I do not have confidence in myself when it comes to the French language (at least, not confidence at the level you think I should have). Please do not tell me that I am "too much of a perfectionist" and care too much about things being "just right." It is my choice not to take the AP test, and your condescending remarks will not raise my skill level any. I would rather develop a strong sense of stability before floundering through a test-- isn't that a more effective way of achieving near-fluency? I think so.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled student (who wants confidence in a language before spending $87 on a test)

Ever have those moments?

As I indulged in my weekly visit to Postsecret, I found this secret. For the first time to my recollection, someone posted a secret which mirrored identically one of my own. Perhaps I'm warped and troubled, perhaps I'm normal, perhaps I'm somewhere else along the line of that spectrum, but I often contemplate the idea of my own funeral.
Will anyone [bother to] come?
If so, who will [bother to] come?
There should be a lot of dancing at the reception. In fact, the actual service should not last very long. The reception or whatever should be the long part. I want there to be music and dancing. I want there to be a slideshow set to music with flattering and funny pictures of me from various parts of my life.
If not many people come, I don't want it to be very emotional. They cared enough to come, so they should have a nice, happy time.
If a lot of people show up, I want it to be as emotional as possible. I want to make them cry and feel bad, because I doubt friendships more frequently than anything else I doubt (except for, maybe, myself). So the pictures better be really heart-wrenching, tear-provoking, etc.
Is it even worth it, though? Because I really don't think people would come.


And the funny part is, I don't feel bad about that. Really and truly. I mean, I'll be dead, after all, so there is no point feeling bad about whether or not people will come.
But I do feel something when I think about it. A weird, unnameable emotion, somewhere between confused and unsurprised, sprinkled with regret and seasoned with painful smirks.

I guess that's my general outlook on life, though, as of right now. For at least a week, maybe longer, I've felt like a hopeless blob of nothing. And it's weird, because during the day, I can go from feeling completely at ease and accepted, to feeling extremely out of sorts and distraught, to feeling on top of the world and loved, to feeling alone and deceived.

My relationships are always in a state of limbo because the reliability of my mental functioning is always in a state of limbo. I'm sorry. I think.

I know this is a jump and you're going to think "What a petty thing to say. How stupid if you," but I worry that because of this--even if/when I do find a potential Mr. Right-- I'll never be able to have a steady relationship because I'll screw it up. He'll try to make it work, and I will, too, but... I won't be able to handle it. I'll doubt everything, think myself not good enough, create imaginary scenarios in my head based on my completely fictional conclusions (as per usual), and mess myself up. And mess him up, too, in turn. Fail.

So I guess I'll just stick to scavenging through photographs and picking ones for my funeral.

-eleanor