List of Whatnot and Whatever 1

1. I am going to go to college!

2. "AP French" has officially sealed its position as #1 Stressor In My Life.

3. Sleep deprivation really screws with my sanity.

4. The Rocky Horror Glee Show is awesome, thankyouverymuch.

5. Texting people is really fun when you're super stressed.

peace
-eleanor

(partly) Legal

Eighteen years ago, at 3:13pm, I came into the world a week late.

8 lbs, 6 oz. 21 inches long.

I was a big baby.

How eighteen years passed so quickly is beyond my comprehension. I remember starting kindergarten and thinking that the 8th graders were the biggest people in the world. I remember being eight years old and always trying to be "cool."

I've wanted to be a vet.
I've wanted to be an elementary school teacher.
I've wanted to be on Broadway.

I couldn't care less now a days about being "cool", and my perception of 8th graders has definitely changed. I no longer want to be a veterinarian, nor an elementary school teacher, nor on Broadway.

Now I'm busy keeping up my sanity more than keeping up appearances. Now graduate students seem dauntingly old.
I'm considering becoming a drama therapist, a high school theater teacher, or an arts administrator.

But we'll see. Anything can happen! Eighteen years from now, I'll be 36 years old (AHHHHHHHHH). That seems ridiculous right now, but I'm sure I'll wake up one morning and think, "What the hell happened, and how did I jump from 18 to 36 so quickly?"

Will I be married? Have kids? How many kids?
Will I have a job? What will my career be?
Will I look young? Or will I be seriously graying?

I may dye my hair if it grays. Or not. Maybe I'll look good with silver hair. Hm.

I feel I've digressed drastically from the main intent of this post... well, I actually may not have had a main intent of this post... but if I were to have had a main intent it would have been this:

I turned 18 today!

Hazzah!

In the words of my friend, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I hope you're excited about being 18 (though it means practically nothing until you go to college)."

Quite the kill-joy, there, buddy.
Just kidding :)

I included his message because I did nothing to fulfill my new abilities. I did not buy a lottery ticket. I did not buy anything off of an infomercial. I did not buy cigarettes. I am registered to vote, but I haven't voted yet. Quite uneventful... how boring of me!

And since I'm not 21, I can't legally drink.

My drivers license expired today, though. I should probably take care of that.

peace.
-eleanor

"Let's do the Time Warp again!"

I remember the first time I experienced this magnificent cinematic creation. In all honesty, confusion filled my mind for the first ten minutes. Then, as if I had undergone a surreal revelation, the film began to glimmer in crystal clarity, and I got lost in its Sea of Wonder.

I do not remember ever before laughing so wholeheartedly at a musical/comedy/spoof movie. The complete insanity of the film, plus the absolute genius which was necessary to create such an artistic piece of motion photography, stole a little portion of my heart.

From "Damn it, Janet" to "The Time Warp" to "Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me", the songs (and actors and costumes and everything else!) had me in side-splitting laughter.

Really.

You can ask my friends Elyse, Tori, and Haley.

They were there.

I laughed the hardest out of the four of us.

Next thing on my to-do list: Watch the interactive version of this cult classic!

In conclusion, I love the Rocky Horror Picture Show!

Tune in to FOX on Tuesday October 26 at 7:00pm to watch the Rocky Horror Glee episode!

peace,

-eleanor

To a Mr. Deresiewicz

Mr. Deresiewicz,


I am usually one to become flustered when defending a point of view. My words stumble over each other, and I rarely sound as fluid and convincing as I plan on sounding.


However, reading the speech you gave to a freshman class at Stanford felt like reading my own mind, but in a logical, easy-to-follow, convincing layout. Your words were my thoughts exactly. In fact, your writing style reminded me a lot of the way I write and speak.


Thank you for composing such a powerful, self-affirming speech. You have raised my confidence level by reiterating that I'm not the only one who knows I can make my way even if I major in the humanities. You have gone against what society says is currently Good by speaking out for those of use who know that molds do not hold us all correctly. Your speech inspires and motivates me to follow my passions where ever they lead me because in the end true success is not monetary, is it? What matters is how happy you are at the end of the day and how much love surrounds you when you are home.


That being said, I am sharing the link with my few readers, all of whom are either seniors in high school or freshmen in college. I hope your speech touches them in some way, too.


"What Are You Going to Do with That?" by William Deresiewicz


Most sincerely,
eleanor

Looking up? Perhaps.

Guess what?
I think I have friends.
I know I have friends. Friends my own age, in my own grade, who I've known for at least a year, if not longer. I just forgot how to be a friend, I guess... I inadvertently distanced myself from some of the funniest, most caring people in existence. I got too caught up in my own little world and my own future. I forgot about living in the present.

Now that I've remembered to enjoy the present, things are starting to look up.

On Saturday, I went out to dinner with a group of friends with whom I hadn't hung out in a while, and we had a grand old time. What's better than good friends, pizza, and too many overtly sexual jokes? (I guess that last part was a bit unnecessary... Alas.)

This afternoon, I once again hung out with that same group of friends, minus a couple, adding on a couple more. Once again, it was wonderful being around them, each and every one.

... Is it important to point out that all of the people I've been hanging out with, except for one, are guys? Probably not.

Moving on.

Because they all deserve it, each one gets a shout out. Even though none of them read this. But that's a trivial matter.

Maddie always says things like she sees it, which is ALWAYS a good thing. She keeps me realistic, she makes me laugh so very much, she tolerates me when I go crazy, and she is incredibly talented.

Durgan is the jolly ginger giant. But not really since he doesn't have freckles. However, for the sake of alliteration, he is a ginger not a daywalker. And he's more of a beanstalk than a giant. BUT BACK TO THE MAIN POINT: His smiley face and adorable essence, without fail, cheer me up the minute I see him. He's stuck by me even when I've been fickle (sorry, again), and I am so thankful for his undying friendship.

Joe, the true ginger (brownie points? I think so), is wonderful to talk to. His ability to listen and to remind me of why I should be happy, even when I'm down, is invaluable. To top it off, he plays guitar super well and has a great sense of humor. Red hair + good listener + music + funny = Definition of cool? I think so.

Connor... where do I begin? Best hair. Hilarious. Super talented. Sarcastic. Not Italian. Good nose. Fun to have insulting textversations with. And probably a completely romantic softie, somewhere deep down in his heart. (None of this was sarcastic.) ...and he's my "supa fly" (not like a G-6) best friend. Woo!

Raymond and I have an odd relationship. We'll be superclose for about a week, then stop talking for months. Nevertheless, it's always a grand reuniting whenever we see each other. Our five-minute hugs, as if we'd been separated for years, are quite possibly the highlight of our friendship. That, and our deep conversations. I'm so glad we've overcome our awkward junior high years.

Ian, ohhh that darling boy. Friends since our stint in a 15-minute rendition of Peter Pan, the summer after 5th grade. I've crushed on him, he's flippantly not ever had a crush on me. Nobigdeal. Through painful high school musical after painful high school musical, we've remained friends. Yes, I thought he hated me freshman year. But he didn't, it was just Ian being Ian. And that's okay. Because we're friends and he's wonderful.


Well. Now that I've gushed a smidgen, I suppose I should relieve your eyes from all of these words with a wee bit more "Thank You"s. No, it's not November, I'm just feeling really thankful.
1) Thank you, Chris, for giving me so much encouragement over the past few days. You are an angel, and I miss you terribly.
2) Thank you, Angela, for being the best Best Friend. It would still be wonderful if you could transfer to go to school with me :)

Things are starting to look up. Rehearsals are getting smoother, I've started looking at school in perspective, I'm breathing more, and I'm trying to deepen my trust in people. It's scary, feeling like I'm losing control of my life. Bringing all the pieces back together is difficult, but I'm beginning to feel whole again.

peace,
-eleanor

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

If there's one thing I know about myself, music latches on to me, bites me, pierces me, tears at me like nothing else. I'm fairly certain that I could tell my life story using other people's lyrics and music. I sure as hell get annoyed with my own inadequacy to convey my emotions with my own words, so hearing music which hits the way I feel near-perfectly serves as a bit of a relief.

In eighth grade, "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls became my favorite song of all-time. I realize this sounds cliche. I realize that now a days, everyone who listens to mainstream music is obsessed with John Rzeznik's angelic voice. But to a little fourteen-year-old girl crying herself to sleep while the lyrics "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" wrapped around her like the most frightening yet most comforting blanket you could ever get lost in, "Iris" and John Rzeznik were everything but cliche and mainstream. Every word of that song touched me. "Iris" could break me down and raise me up at the same time.

High school rolled around.

Freshman year, I dappled in and out of being a wreck. No one knew, though. I chose to keep everything behind a mask of smiles and long-sleeved garments.  So I listened to my music, held my salt-stained pillow as tightly as my frail arms could manage, and finished freshman year with a 4.0.

"Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty
"Broken" by Lifehouse
"Breathe 2AM" by Anna Nalick
...to name just a few

I had my depressed songs, my this-song-is-about-love-which-does-not-exist-in-my-life songs, my lovesick songs.

Sweet sixteen found me denouncing my faith, and finding information and bits to back my reasoning. I struggled through finding something to believe in, if anything. I struggled with who I was. I still was a bit of a wreck, though slowly recovering from my secret catastrophe. Flyleaf's "So I Thought" spoke to me so intimately I could have sworn she wrote it for me:

"On my knees, dim lighted room. Thoughts free-flow, try to consume myself in this. I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost to that I might lose. Ignorance is bliss, cherish it. Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold. Believe it not. And fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times. A year goes by, and I can't talk about it. The times weren't right, and I couldn't talk about it."

That was me. It still is me sometimes.

For some reason, this past year took a turn for the better. Sure, I had my ups and downs here and there. I had my first boyfriend-- a HUGE MISTAKE that took me a whole two months to end. I strengthened friendships-- the best thing that could have happened. Nothing is perfect, but my junior year of high school has been the best year so far.
I rocked out to Jason Derulo with my friend on the way to rehearsals.
I started putting music to my lyrics.
I danced to "Iris" at prom with one of my best friends.
I fell in love with GLEE!!

Then summer happened.
And I started slipping in and out of friendships.
And I began questioning other people,
people's motives,
people's intentions,
myself.
And I lost some music.

So I started senior year feeling friendless and minuscule.

My reflection is bipolar-- "You're cute."//"Why the hell did you wake up, you ugly, ugly girl."
My mind is anxious and paranoid-- "My friends are amazing."//"They don't really like me... that pause means they hate me... they don't invite me places because I'm annoying... I'm unattractive so they don't like me... all the compliments are fake and they go off and back stab me, I just know it."

I've become a big knot of anxiety, self-doubt, and anger. And I don't know why.

Recently, the song "Just the Way Your Are" by Bruno Mars made me smile, half out of its beauty and half out of how bang-on the song captured self image, almost eerily so. I don't believe people's compliments most of the time, and I think my laugh is obnoxious. If a guy had written that for me or if he were to sing it to me, I'm not sure I would believe it, even though I want to believe it. I want to believe I'm amazing just the way I am, but... I'm not. I see my defects too vividly to think of myself as amazing.
When I listen to this song, I can picture a whole movie reel of pictures I've created in my own head, of me and Mr. Perfect-For-Me-Who-Unfortunately-Does-Not-Exist. Surreal and cinema-perfect scenes in the most pleasant weather, with just the right amount of sunlight reflecting off of my brown-blond-red hair and my grey-blue eyes. I look brilliant. And it's all set to this beautiful, beautiful love song.
I've pretty much given up on love, though. If I have troubles loving myself, I do not have the right to expect anyone else to love me.
If I could be that girl he's singing about... if I could honestly believe I were that girl...

"I'm not that girl" -- Wicked


"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell." -- Matchbox Twenty

"For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm." -- Phil Collins

"And I will try to fix you." -- Coldplay

-eleanor

image at top taken from http://farm4.static.flickr.com

Can I quit? ...I mean, MAY I quit? PLEASE.

If you're looking for a cheery post, you may close your browser right now.

No, really, leave my blog this instant because you a) will not be bubbly after reading this, and b) will probably think I'm severely unhealthy.

I am actually very healthy, though, so if you DO decide to read this (which you probably won't because this is just me writing to no one, and besides I'm really boring), please refrain from jumping to rash conclusions.

I feel like I'm at a bursting point. I cannot handle any more in my life right now, let alone handle what I already have on my plate. For the past week, I've felt like I am slowly slipping... slipping...

I went to bed last night with out doing my French homework. It was midnight, I was exhausted, and I decided getting 6 hours of sleep was more important than skimming over a foreign language in a stupor and attempting to remember it the next day while running on only 4 or 5 hours of sleep.

Today, I nearly broke down in tears three times. My inability to understand spoken French made me fight back tears, my inability to correctly make an "s" sound nearly made me cry, and my overall stress just about broke me down.

No matter how hard I try, I keep frantically racing deadlines. I'm always one step behind where I should be. I have been working diligently, yet balancing life has become exceedingly difficult. My confidence is dropping, my anxiety is raising, and my mind is darting around everywhere.

I decided there was no one I could talk to about feeling shitty, no one I could get a big hug from, no one I could use as a crying post. Everyone seems so... distant... from me. Plus, crying would only mess up my day even further.

At least rehearsal temporarily distracted me from everything.

At least.

Now I have to study for an economics test, read about Hinduism, and work on figuring out zeros and polynomial crap.

This week has convinced me of three things:

1) College will whip my ass.

2) Adulthood will be a disaster. In fact, I may not make it past 19 or 20 years of age.

3) I will never, ever, ever be good for people.

-eleanor

Paging Perez Hilton!

It has come to my attention that my friend is a celebrity. At least, on his college campus he is.
Why is he a celeb? Because he blogs. How did he discover his celeb status? Because when he introduced himself to a girl on campus, she said "OH THE BLOG GUY?!"
I'm tempted to say he's bringing sexy back by bringing blogging back.

peace
-eleanor