This weekend, I found myself slipping into contemplation of my friendships. Well, it was actually more of a small-scale condemnation pow-wow. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anything bad about the people I generally have referred to as my friends. But there is definitely something wrong with all of the relationships in my life-- and I think it's me.
For starters, I am currently irritated at every other person I see. Sometimes every 2/3s of a person I see. Sorry if you happen to be that other person or 2/3rds of a person in my Line of Vision. Sucks to be you. Not really. Wow that was harsh.
Which brings me to my second point. I'm not a nice person. I lack grace and sensitivity in my speech. I say things, then regret them. I dwell on conversations for weeks and weeks afterwards, sometimes losing sleep over things that didn't "play out quite right." Because I just know that I screwed something up... sounded stupid... offended someone.
And I'm sorry about that. I would never hurt anyone if I wasn't so fucking clingy. Sorry for the language. It just hit me how much of an aggravating person I am. I'm never close friends with anyone for an extended period of time. I latch on to a person and talk solely to him or her (although it's usually a guy... I think I have a complex... great...), then I realize how stupid I must sound, how irritating I must be, and I shut myself off from them. I beat myself up inside my head for being such an idiot.
But then I realize I have no one else to talk to, so I feel I need to just go on and on to the poor victim of my blabbering. Yet I think of myself as a burden, so I type long text messages then delete them. I talk to an imaginary figure of them in my head to avoid imposing my presence in their life. And I successfully accomplish never actually talking to people to the depth in which my heart of hearts would like.
So as I walk the halls of school I feel awkward and semi-lonely. Even though I have friends?
I contact someone not at my school and I feel like I'm intruding in their life. Even if that's a figment of my imagination?
I just wish someone would be honest with me for once and say YES YOU ARE ANNOYING. GO AWAY. STOP TALKING. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BOTHER. GEEEZ.
So basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for being such a crap friend. The only way to change that is for me to put all my friendships on hiatus. ...like they're not already. Psh.
Do not even think about posting some globbledeeshnuff comment about how "awww no youre wonderfulllll!! bestfriendddd i love u!!"
Because that is I exactly the opposite of what I want to hear.
Either don't comment, or agree with me.
peace,
-eleanor
