selfish

As I groggily awoke from a nap this afternoon, and the rain hit pitter patter, pitter patter  on my window, my solitary presence on the bed slapped me like a bitter circus monkey with a wet towel. [bam, bam! mockery and bitterness *diddlydeedeedee circus music*] No one lay next to me, no one had been lying next to me to begin with for that matter, my body couldn't tell if it was warm or cold, my neck was sore, and my head still pounded with the intensity it did before I nestled under my blanket over an hour ago. An Advil and a nap of respectable length with only lackluster results... disappointing. But what else could I have expected, really?

*  *  *  *  *

young gentleman, n.

Someone who would fill that empty space with his whole being, not just with his body (I would ask for a boy if I just wanted someone to merely take up physical space). Someone to put his arm around my waist as I drift to sleep. Someone who will have his arm around me still as I stir from my slumber to the comforting tempo of his gentle breathing. Someone with whom I can stay enwrapped as the rain falls pitter patter, pitter patter, so that we'd keep each other warm and content. Someone who would massage my sore neck and kiss my forehead to "help the headache go away."

*  *  *  *  *

The lady thinks I'm still in love with him, I'm sure.
But I'm not.
The lady does not know I have an obsession,
But I'm sure I do.
I'm obsessed with the idea of what happened
(or what did not)
(or what I did)
(or what I did not)
(or what he did not tell me)
(or why he did not tell me)
and it haunts me
and it infiltrates me
and it breaks me down
to the point of I Don't Know Myself I Don't Trust Myself
so I Don't Trust
other people.

circles

"You must love yourself before you can love anyone else."
"You must love yourself before anyone can love you."

I want to
love.
I want to
Love.

I want to love myself because I love someone else and because he loves me.

selfish.

Replay

It's all too familiar, the shades of grey. The staying away from people around me. The "I don't want to eat" because my anxiety eats my hunger. The (self)doubt of all my friendships.

I thought it would be different.



It's not.

scene change

[same character. different setting.]

Good morning, moon.

We have another few hours here, together,

as the chill of the weather

outside the window panes bites

my heart as if it were sitting,

out in the biting wind,

exposed.

It is true, you know, the part

about my heart

being exposed;

I can feel a certain

prick, prick

like a woodpecker

peck, pecking on the organs

inside my ribs.

I guess the bird isn't all that's trapped in a cage.

Nothing has changed, has it, moon?

I am still floundering I am still groping I am still slipping I am still waiting I am all but

still.

[the window may now be a mirror, though it may not be, as the gentle drops of water fall either from a source outside or from a source within the room's four walls]

Your light moves me

lures me

intoxicates me

Your light forces me to confront what I bury during your absence.

You create a lesion in me,

toppling me over the edge of my

mind as it

c r   a c k    s

and I feel

e ve ry

th r e  ad

f r   a  y   i    n g.

Insert stage directions here:

[Dim the lights slowly to black out]