Most people say breathing, but I'm ready to believe otherwise. The moments to which people attribute feeling most alive-- the moments where you feel you are really living-- are when your breath is taken away or when you are out of breath. Neither of those things involve breathing.
If breathing is the determining factor in whether or not a person is alive, then how can I be sitting here, feeling the rise and fall of my chest, yet feel so terribly not alive? With every inhalation and exhalation, I feel the pressure within me escalade then subside. It throbs in tandem with the thump thump of my heart, propelling the blood that surges through my veins, bringing nutrients to my lungs, collecting oxygen to pump into my blood stream, at which point the cycle repeats itself. Over and over again.
I am caught in a cycle that needs to be broken. It is a foggy glass ceiling, a cramped locker, a straightjacket. I can see there is something outside of where I am, but I can't tell what it is and I can't break through. I've been crammed in a corner all my life by a bully, but it's hard to fight the bully when she is yourself. I feel emotionally and psychological restrained to the point of it becoming physical.
My feet pace while my legs fidget while my back tenses. My fingers jitter while my hands wring while my arms slowly contract. So much energy rushes under my skin. I can feel the blood pounding, pounding, pounding through me, and I just want it to RELEASE! I want to tear myself open and let it all come out. I
Free.
What does it mean to be free?
