"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

If there's one thing I know about myself, music latches on to me, bites me, pierces me, tears at me like nothing else. I'm fairly certain that I could tell my life story using other people's lyrics and music. I sure as hell get annoyed with my own inadequacy to convey my emotions with my own words, so hearing music which hits the way I feel near-perfectly serves as a bit of a relief.

In eighth grade, "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls became my favorite song of all-time. I realize this sounds cliche. I realize that now a days, everyone who listens to mainstream music is obsessed with John Rzeznik's angelic voice. But to a little fourteen-year-old girl crying herself to sleep while the lyrics "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" wrapped around her like the most frightening yet most comforting blanket you could ever get lost in, "Iris" and John Rzeznik were everything but cliche and mainstream. Every word of that song touched me. "Iris" could break me down and raise me up at the same time.

High school rolled around.

Freshman year, I dappled in and out of being a wreck. No one knew, though. I chose to keep everything behind a mask of smiles and long-sleeved garments.  So I listened to my music, held my salt-stained pillow as tightly as my frail arms could manage, and finished freshman year with a 4.0.

"Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty
"Broken" by Lifehouse
"Breathe 2AM" by Anna Nalick
...to name just a few

I had my depressed songs, my this-song-is-about-love-which-does-not-exist-in-my-life songs, my lovesick songs.

Sweet sixteen found me denouncing my faith, and finding information and bits to back my reasoning. I struggled through finding something to believe in, if anything. I struggled with who I was. I still was a bit of a wreck, though slowly recovering from my secret catastrophe. Flyleaf's "So I Thought" spoke to me so intimately I could have sworn she wrote it for me:

"On my knees, dim lighted room. Thoughts free-flow, try to consume myself in this. I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost to that I might lose. Ignorance is bliss, cherish it. Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold. Believe it not. And fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times. A year goes by, and I can't talk about it. The times weren't right, and I couldn't talk about it."

That was me. It still is me sometimes.

For some reason, this past year took a turn for the better. Sure, I had my ups and downs here and there. I had my first boyfriend-- a HUGE MISTAKE that took me a whole two months to end. I strengthened friendships-- the best thing that could have happened. Nothing is perfect, but my junior year of high school has been the best year so far.
I rocked out to Jason Derulo with my friend on the way to rehearsals.
I started putting music to my lyrics.
I danced to "Iris" at prom with one of my best friends.
I fell in love with GLEE!!

Then summer happened.
And I started slipping in and out of friendships.
And I began questioning other people,
people's motives,
people's intentions,
myself.
And I lost some music.

So I started senior year feeling friendless and minuscule.

My reflection is bipolar-- "You're cute."//"Why the hell did you wake up, you ugly, ugly girl."
My mind is anxious and paranoid-- "My friends are amazing."//"They don't really like me... that pause means they hate me... they don't invite me places because I'm annoying... I'm unattractive so they don't like me... all the compliments are fake and they go off and back stab me, I just know it."

I've become a big knot of anxiety, self-doubt, and anger. And I don't know why.

Recently, the song "Just the Way Your Are" by Bruno Mars made me smile, half out of its beauty and half out of how bang-on the song captured self image, almost eerily so. I don't believe people's compliments most of the time, and I think my laugh is obnoxious. If a guy had written that for me or if he were to sing it to me, I'm not sure I would believe it, even though I want to believe it. I want to believe I'm amazing just the way I am, but... I'm not. I see my defects too vividly to think of myself as amazing.
When I listen to this song, I can picture a whole movie reel of pictures I've created in my own head, of me and Mr. Perfect-For-Me-Who-Unfortunately-Does-Not-Exist. Surreal and cinema-perfect scenes in the most pleasant weather, with just the right amount of sunlight reflecting off of my brown-blond-red hair and my grey-blue eyes. I look brilliant. And it's all set to this beautiful, beautiful love song.
I've pretty much given up on love, though. If I have troubles loving myself, I do not have the right to expect anyone else to love me.
If I could be that girl he's singing about... if I could honestly believe I were that girl...

"I'm not that girl" -- Wicked


"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell." -- Matchbox Twenty

"For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm." -- Phil Collins

"And I will try to fix you." -- Coldplay

-eleanor

image at top taken from http://farm4.static.flickr.com